Your Own Pleasure
by arthurianlover
Summary: For three long years he suffered sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and pressure from the one he called friend. Turns out it was all a lie. The guy admitted to using Merlin for his own Pleasure. They had never been friends. Merlin vows never to love or trust again...Enter Arthur. (based on real life events. my counselor told me to write down what happen. I am. Using merlin fanfiction)
1. That Night

Merlin curled up in his bed. He sat next to his mom and looked down at her phone. His heart seemed to break in a thousand pieces as he looked at the text his friend-no never his friend- had sent his mother in reply to the fact he would not be coming to give Merlin an apology for everything. She was done with him and done with the playing done to her son. Merlin blinked his eyes to dash away the tears forming. He looked away but the text was still imprinted in his mind's eye.

_You will never see or hear from me again. I won't lie. I did all this things accused of me. I used Merlin for sexual pleasure and for adult pictures-nothing else. I was never a friend. I hold no grudge against you or your family. _

Merlin let the tears go down his cheeks. His mother, Hurnith, put a hand on his shoulder. "Shhh, now Merlin. He is gone and you won't ever see him again. "

Merlin didn't answer; instead, he just cuddled into himself, and cried as the memories flashed by one by one. He vowed he would never love again.

**Hi…this story is going to mean a lot to me to write as it is based on true facts that just happened to me. I had a best guy friend, who I loved and thought the world of, but, it turns out, as he admitted to me and my mother, after 3 years of what I thought was friendship, was just sexual pleasure and amusement for him. I was robbed of something preciouses all because I thought he…loved me. I did a lot of the things that will be mention in this story because of either pressure or because I thought he was my friend. My counselor said if I wrote it down it would help…so… I am. And what better way than a merlin fanfiction. So please, be patient as I upload…and if you want to feel free to review...**

**Thanks…**


	2. First memory and Leaving for School

Merlin glanced at himself in the bathroom mirror. He felt his stomach twist and he gripped the bathroom sink. His hands went white and the world seemed to spin as his breath came in short little gasp.

_Merlin, sixteen years old,_ _stood in front of his bathroom mirror_. _His hands shook. He stood in just in boxers. In his hand was his phone. He held up. He was attempting to take a picture. His body was all shaky, as he exited the camera mood and pulled up the text from Ivan. _

**I wouldn't mind seeing a little skin. You're cute. And I really like you a lot. If you don't want to…it's okay **

_Merlin bit his lip and leaned against the wall. Ivan, the guy who he had been crushing on since last year, his freshman year- Merlin was now a sophomore, Ivan was a senior now and about to graduate, the same Ivan who was having problems with his girlfriend who was a total crazy, the same Ivan who was nice and kind and had admitted to Merlin he felt the same feelings back._

_Merlin pulled up his camera again and aimed it, took a breath, and snapped a picture. He bit his lip. He had a feeling in his gut but he pushed it away. Ivan said he was cute, and seemed a really nice guy. The first real friend Merlin ever had. He had been bullied half his life. His own cousin had turned his class against him, and because of his anxiety, everyone recalled the cry baby. Besides he knew, half the school population in school sent pictures, Ivan had once mentioned, and Ivan had said it was…okay. _

_He sent it. _

_Later that night he lay in bed. His music blaring in his ears as he tried in attempt to stay up because Ivan had promised to text him when he got off work at 11. ….11:30 his phone buzzed. He looked at the blue background with the white letter and saw Ivan's name. He unlocked it and looked at the text. _

**Merlin…you look…you look sexy. Were you sure you were okay sending it. I have no problem with it…your just too cute! But only if you were**

_Merlin smiled. Ivan was sweet and caring. He sent a text saying he was okay with it and to thank him for being kind. He had to wait a little bit for a response but then they talked all through the night. _

Merlin found himself on the bathroom floor. He now knew why Ivan had taken a long time to text back. He had been touching himself. Ivan had told him a month later and…had invited Merlin…into touching his own self one night...

Merlin shuddered. That was a different memory all together. He shakily stood up and pulled on a hoddie and jeans. He didn't want anyone else to see his body. Ever again. He grabbed his new IPhone from the sink and pushed it in his pocket.

His mom had decided Merlin could get a new phone. His first ever IPhone and they also changed his number. Merlin wanted nothing to remind him of the three years. He even went so far as moving upstairs to a smaller bedroom.

He walked out of his bathroom and grabbed his bag. He ducked into his mom's room and kissed her on the cheek and said goodbye. He slipped out of the garage, into his car, and drove off to school. He only had to hold the steering wheel tight when he passed Kyle's house, the best friend of Ivan and…as Merlin soon realized the same night Ivan sent that text…a guy who was never Merlin's friend either.

Merlin still felt numb.

**I want to thank all of you who had reviewed. I have never felt happier or teared up from such happiness in a long time. **

**This chapter was a little hard to write as, the above memory did happen. I was talked into sending a picture of me in my underclothes, and being a girl... It's more than just a guy's boxers. I was stupid, yes, but also I never had a friend before and I just thought…he had seemed…see I also have autism. A form of it. But…ya…and the guy knew it too.. **

**All the memories in this story are real; the events that happened are real. The names of the people and places are different then real life for the privacy of them. **

**I hoped you liked the chapter.**

**Please review…if you want. **


	3. Track

Merlin parked his SUV in the visitor's space of his town's elementary school. Being a senior this year had its advantages. Not only was he going to get the hell out of this place but it meant he was able to volunteer at the Elementary School's library for two hours. Of course, the rules only called for an hour of assistances work, but seeing how Merlin was in special education for math and Dyspraxia, a form of autism, and, because of his IEP and the fact he had all his credits and was unable to graduate before winter break due to the fact he did not meet or exceeds on the state test due to math, and was being held hostage at high school for that reason, he was able to gain two hours for assistant work. Also, because he planned to work in a library after graduation so it all worked out. Besides all that, it served as a distraction for what had happen a day ago. He shuddered and locked his car, took a breath, and began the walk to the front doors.

After signing in at the office and entering the library, Merlin breathed in and allowed himself a small smile. He loved the library. He loved getting lost in the rows and rows of books and smelling that particular smell library's had to them. He really loved this library for it felt homely to him and warm as if he could get lost in here and be safe. He loved it here because no memories were connected to this place.

He went through his daily routine and put the books away, first the dewy decimal books, then the hard back fiction then the paperback fiction, then lastly the easy readers and easy fiction books. He hummed while he did it for he was mostly alone in the huge room besides some boys who came in the mornings to help the computer teacher/ head librarian turn on the computers. He had just came back behind the desk and sat down when a middle high women with brown hair entered the library.

"Merlin! There you are! I was wondering why you didn't show up last Friday."

Merlin froze and looked up at Mrs. Vivian, the library aid and who Merlin spent most of his time with here. He gave her a soft smile and thanked her as she gave him his normal sweet tea from the cafeteria. He took a sip, "I'm sorry. I felt really bad but something came up."

Mrs. Vivian sat down and turned on her computer and logged into the database used to check in and out books. She turned back to Merlin, "Don't be sorry. I understand you're a senior and school work is more important than this here. You really don't need this to graduate. Now…we will have to find something for you to do since you put all the books away quick again."

Merlin watched as the women he had become so sound around since three months ago picked up a few new books off the shelf and looked them over. She muttered that she could have Merlin label them and put the colored dots on them. Merlin took a deep breath, having a lull in time giving memories time to resurface. He quickly made a decision. He wheeled his chair over to the aid.

"The reason I missed last Friday is because I broke down and texted my mom I wanted to kill myself. She called me out of school and I had to sit with my school counselor until she thought I was okay to drive home by myself. Mama came home and then we talked. I wanted to go to the hospital…I had tried to cut myself. But after talking with her and my actual consoler…I am…a little bit better." Merlin did not mention Ivan.

Mrs. Vivian blinked and then laid a hand on Merlin's. "Why did you want to do that? You have much to live for?"

Merlin shrugged, "Because life was getting to hard to handle…for different reasons. I just felt I owed you an explanation."

There was a few seconds of quite then Mrs. Vivian handed Merlin some books and explained what needed to be done with them. Merlin nodded and set to work. It was a rhythm he fell into. It was quite, but not enough quite where he didn't get pulled into memories and begun to be haunted.

"How are you and your friend doing? Ivan is his name right?"

Merlin paused and said in barely a whisper, "Happy as can be…from what I know from last night."

Mrs. Vivian must have heard something in his tone for she just nodded and the rest of the two hours were spent peaceful quit.

After returning to the high school Merlin walked down to the changing room for PE. He stalled outside the door. He did not want to go in there and undress in front of anyone. He did not want anyone to see him ever again. But his grade was suffering from missing so much school as it was. He pushed open the door and found the locker room empty.

He hurried up and pulled odd his shirt and without looking at himself, began to pull on his sweatshirt. He groaned when he realized his left sleeve was inside out. He began the struggle of fixing it and paused when he caught a glimpse of his wrist. He traced the red line with his eyes. He closed his eyes. He could feel the razor in his hand, the water from the shower hitting him, the tears that had wanted to burst through, and the heart ache from Ivan ditching him yet again fir "band" practice. Merlin shook himself, and hurriedly put on his gray lion king sweat shirt and rushed out of the room.

He entered the gym. "And my class is not here…" he muttered to himself. He walked around the side of the bleachers and found the coaches' door open to his office. He knocked on the door. Inside was a Bald, heavy set, kind face man. He turned and offered Merlin a smile.

"There outside on the track. Just left, so there not too far ahead of you."

Merlin thanked him and exited through the door. By the time he got to the track he was listing to his mp3 player and was lost in the music. A girl and a boy he knew somewhat well came up to him and asked him why he was late. He just gave them a small smile and said he was just lazy today. They shrugged and walked on. Merlin turned up the volume.

Merlin hardly listend to music, but when he did, he took pleasure in it. He loved the bands that swept him away: _like Nickleback, All Time Low, Hey Monday, One Republic, Chris Daughtry, Downtown fiction_, and the new favorite_, One Ok Rock_! _One Ok Rock! _Was a japan rock band that used more English lyrics then Japanese and Merlin loved the beat and tone they used. Merlin finally realized his legs were getting tired, so he stopped along the chain linked fence to sit down. He did not notice that ROTC had come out onto the track, but it was hard to miss them now as they were there gray tee shirts and shorts. Merlin shrugged and pretended to stretch so he wouldn't be told to stand up and to do something.

"What you listing to?"

Merlin opened his eyes to find a tall, well-built, blonde hair teen sitting in front of him. Merlin blinked and took one of the ear buds out. He knew who was in front of him; he had known him, or at least his name, since he was five. Arthur Pendragon. He was in his sister's grade and at three years old had come for his sister's birthday party and ran down the hall with a sleeping bag. He was three years younger than Merlin though, but Merlin knew he was nice, or had always been nice to him. But as merlin knew, appearance could be deceiving.

"One okay rock!" Merlin said and was about to put the ear bud back in. he did not want to talk to anyone because if he didn't then that meant he wouldn't get hurt…again. Also, he was weary of guys right now.

"Wanna race?"

Merlin didn't know if he should smile, cry, or laugh. Was God taunting him with this guy who seemed, dare he say it flirting? No, he wasn't going to fall for it. "I don't race."

"Awww come on! I let you have a head start." Arthur said smiling at him, dimples forming. He watched as Arthur stood up. The sun reflecting on his skin making it appears more brownish.

"I…I…no. sorry." Merlin said and then noticed his PE teacher coming over. She told Merlin to get up and do something. Merlin sighed and got up, glaring at Arthur as if it was his fault. The boy just grinned.

"Fine. I will race you," Merlin said so the guy would stop asking. Besides, he wondered if he ran he could out run his memories. They walked to a certain point in the track and set the bounds. Merlin got a head start and began to run. He felt the air whoosh past him and for once felt himself free. He looked around and saw a certain spot in the track and saw the ghost of a black haired boy with shoulder length hair and himself laughing, saw himself deeply in love. He ran faster. He heard a noise and looked as Arthur past him and beat him to the finish. 

Merlin finally reached Arthur. He doubled over and took in deep breaths. He heard laughter and looked up to see Arthur smiling at him sweetly. Merlin found he wanted to smile back but bit his lip. He wasn't going to go down that road again. He watched as Arthur pulled out his phone and ran a hand through his hair, "Well since I won. I guess that means I get your number."

Merlin stood up stirght and said, "That was never mentioned. Besides…you have my number. I gave it to you two years ago in art."

Merlin had talked to Arthur in art class off and on, and even had a crush on him at one point, but Ivan had been in his life…or thought he had. He knew he was being babyish, but the thought of Arthur or even any guy having his number set warning off in his head. He looked away. He felt broke.

"I got a new phone," Arthur explained. Then saw Merlin looking off. He bit his lip, "Hey, you okay?"

Merlin said, "Here's my number." He gave it, but did not know why, his head was screaming no.

Arthur smiled and tapped in the number. "Nice racing by the way. You almost won." Merlin could not say anything because the ROTC kids were called back inside. Arthur smiled at him then left. Merlin shook his head and looked out to the road. He froze. Right there, on the exit coming into his town was Ivan's car. Merlin felt his world turn and his stomach bubble. He backed away, almost tripping over his own feet. He looked again and the car was gone.

The PE class went back in and as Merlin went down to art he felt his phone buzz. He unlocked it and saw a text from an unknown number.

**Hey…it's Arthur**

Merlin looked at the phone and stood in the hall way. He did not know why but he texted back and doubted he would be answered. Only…he was.

**Thanks everyone for your support and reviews. This chapter was hard to write I was balling through the whole thing. I did try to take my own life a month ago. I was hard to get through and I'm doing a little better now. Also…this is how I met my now boyfriend. Of course, I can tell more because that would ruin the story. But, ya, it's hard being a girl sometimes, its been two months since the guy texted my mom and told he used me…I'm slowly opening up to my boyfriend and learning not to be scared…**

**Please review… If you would...**


	4. Hey

**Hi guys…I know this isn't a chapter and I am sorry. It's just…I want to know now from you, the readers, if I should continue. I'm starting to get depressed again…and I don't know why. I've talked to my counselor and my mom so..i feel like cutting again.i know its selfish too..i know.. I have a boyfriend, my family loves me..it idk. Maybe I'm scared of graduating. ..Not to mention I saw HIM. All he did was laugh and smile like nothing ever happened. And I found out he got back with his ex the whole time he was..my "friend" and rapped me. Not to mention the fact I also found out he did stuff with my so other called friend. …So..please, let me know if I should continue..even then it may take a week to upload..I hope that is okay..**

**Thanks…**


	5. Art

Merlin walked into the art room. He was still in awe. He couldn't believe Arthur had texted him. He bit back a smile as he grabbed his art from his cubby hole. He was dimly aware of Jenna and Aaron sitting in their spots at the back tables. He gave them a shy nod. He sat down and looked at his phone again. He bit back a smile. He shouldn't get excited over one text. Sure no one ever texted him, but after what happen he wasn't ready trust again. Even if Arthur had raced him. He shook his head and focused on his sketch of one of the three blind mice he had started on paper. He then sighed and sent a quick text to Arthur.

**Hi...**

He locked the phone and flipped it over. He started on his mouse. His mind wondered to the blonde and the race. He shook his head and scolded himself.

"Merlin, you got a text." Aaron said poking merlin in his shoulder.

Merlin flipped the phone over and almost dropped it. He couldn't stop the smile this time. Arthur had answered and put a smile and asked what he was up to.

**In art..and you? **

Arthur's reply was instant. And Merlin blinked, still surprise when Arthur had texted him after the third and even fourth text. Up until the bell for lunch, Arthur still was texting him. Merlin actually felt happy for once in his life. Little did he know the day had more in store for him...

Thank you for all the review and the advice from all of you. Ik its not much but...here u go...


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